Saturday, March 2, 2013

2:31 -- Standing Still

At this point, it's merely hours.  Hours until I head back to my coaching position in an elementary school.  Like a heavy door, my maternity leave closes on lazy feedings and naptime workouts, mid-morning Starbucks runs with a sleeping baby and time enough to actually keep house.  The day is here, as I've peeked at the calendar from afar the last few months, just like I knew it would be.

I initialed all baby belongings in preparation for day care.  I packed the diaper bag and my lunch.  I took stock of the galleria to inform my grocery shopping for Reid's meals away from home.  I tried on my favorite ivory sweater with gentle graphite stripes...the one I wear when I'm up in front and I'm nervous.  I fed Grant as often as he expressed interest because come Monday, the suctiony sounds of my pump will replace the mealtime gurgles and coos and feeding on demand will give way to protecting regular slivers of school time that will secure my milk supply.

There's stillness in my heart though. 

In all the moments I snuggle Grant...and gaze into his giant eyes...and feel his body as a comfortable extension of my own, I wish -- just once -- I could freeze time.  Like ice cubes.  This memory in this compartment, and yesterday's memory in the tray preceding.  I freeze: because if I don't, the remaining hours melt into a buzzing alarm and hot, hidden tears while I help load the boys into my husband's car Monday morning and then drive away by myself.

Amidst the sound and fury, there's a job...that really doesn't feel like much of one.  There's a teacher who emailed early last Monday to wish me a happy last week, but also to let me know she's counting the days until I'm back.  There's a classroom I designed myself to make visiting teachers feel like treasured guests during meetings or planning chats because all my favorite pictures, quotes, and books are displayed like they would be in a home office.  There's a vibe in this school that forwards the belief that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.  {And, it is.}  There's a professional development series I'm authoring that's centered around fine-tuning our writing workshops in a variety of areas like nudging boy writers, and increasing volume, and implementing continua to guide instruction as each unit progresses.

Today is soccer...and grocery shopping...and laundry...and bedtime routines.  Sunday is church...and cartoons...and family time.  There will be a bed time Sunday night that's much later than anticipated and then before I know it, I'll pull into the school parking lot with no recollection of my commute. 

Until then, despite the errands and task management, I'll be still.  To savor.  And, to freeze.
Just like the Weepies say... 

Write on,


  1. Oh B! This is beautiful. I'm feeling still too. God is teaching me to be still while he moves.

  2. I appreciate your words, "There's stillness in my heart." It's such a difficult time, & to be so torn, because it's obvious you love your job too. I've watched and hugged my daughter-in-law & daughter as they returned to work, and put their babies into another's care, & they are all good, sometimes stressed a little, but good. I'll send positive thoughts for your drive on Monday, B. This is beautifully said!

  3. This is such a lovely piece. Peeking out is the excitement of returning to school, all the while wishing you could stay where you are. Although it's been awhile, that tug in both directions is a vivid memory. Here's to a good week....

  4. Stars form where inner and outer worlds collide.

  5. So eloquent! Such a full life you live. This makes me remember your writing about dating, searching for the right guy, and you found it and an interesting life. Your writing preserves these thoughts and moments forever. Beautiful! I'll be thinking of you on Monday too.

  6. Such a difficult time but there is excitement in change too. Enjoy and continue to savor your moments together but know that your moments apart will make the together times even better. Best wishes for Monday!

  7. Another gorgeous piece of writing. I especially love the line about freezing time like ice cubes. It sounds like you are doubly blessed (maybe because you choose to look for those blessings) because you have two little ones that you adore, and also a job you love. Hope you got to savor those last few days at home!


Hi! I'd love to hear what you are thinking right now, so please take a sec and drop me a line. I'm so glad you stopped by today -- thanks a billion. :)